


soulshine

by minshuas



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Hospitals, M/M, Side Pairing: Jeonghan/Junhui (Sorta)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-21
Updated: 2017-11-21
Packaged: 2019-02-04 22:12:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12780657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minshuas/pseuds/minshuas
Summary: Rule one: Don't fall in love with a patient.





	soulshine

**Author's Note:**

  * For [wonuza](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wonuza/gifts).



> i proofread this twice and my comp ate my fucking edits every time so this is literally... half-edited (i think).  
> (i;ll probably fix it soon but i have to post it now bcos i went over it three times and if i do it again i'll hate it more)
> 
> i wrote this for amber!!!! i hate this fic rn so i hope you like it. i jkfljsflkf don't know why i did this
> 
> warnings for hospitals and sicknesses!!!! other than that, i don't think i detail anything and there is NO CHARACTER DEATH

(3 minutes ago) **star boy** said:  
my breath is caught in my throat ; im scared but im not sure what for

☄

Death walks through each intricately designed hospital as though it has any right to be there. If Soonyoung could exchange some words with Death, then he would, and they would not be the caring, gentle words that he gives to many of the other inhabitants at the hospital. No, they would be naughty words that would get him in trouble with one of his favorite patients, nine-year-old Lee Chan. They would be words that could never be uttered in front of him for fear of him standing up on his hospital bed while pointing at Soonyoung to fully humiliate him in the middle of the children’s ward, and yelling the words that Soonyoung had chosen to exchange with Death. That’s why, he reasons professionally, as any twenty-eight year old would, he doesn’t try to have a conversation with Death. It has nothing to do with the fact that through the years of working at the city’s main hospital, he’s decided to personify death so he has something to blame for the disappearance of patients that he comes to love. 

It is easy for him to admit that it is an unhealthy way for coping with a job that he loves/hates, but there’s not much he can do otherwise, except for quit, but he plans on staying until Channie moves continents away from him (because otherwise, he’ll request to be transferred to whatever hospital that Channie is being transferred too). Being a nurse hadn’t been how he imagined his future when he was younger, but it is exactly where he ended up. He supposes that the career has a certain allure. If being a sidekick isn’t a practical occupational choice, then Soonyoung, at least, could be a nurse. Both helped saved lives while being willing to risk their own, and Soonyoung definitely would risk his own life (and sanity) for many of the patients he saw come in and out of the hospital. 

Usually, Soonyoung is stationed in the center of trauma, the ER. At university, he had been trained to become a trauma nurse and he specialized in being able to keep his head about him when dealing with some of the more horrific injuries. He’s the person who ends up holding the hands of those on the verge of death. By now, he’s seen so much of it that it should hardly matter to him, but every person is a new experience with the unwelcome, faceless visitor named Death. No death can be replicated in Soonyoung’s mind. Even if he ends up in the same room, with a similar feeling hand, he only focuses on the person before him. When he is off the clock, then he can give in to the temptation of thinking about all of the past patients he had urged to keep breathing, to keep their heart beating, but while he works, he only focuses on those who need him. 

Maybe that’s why he hasn't thought too much about Jeon Wonwoo until he sees him wandering through the hallways of the ER. 

☄

“Are you comfortable, Wonwoo?” Soonyoung knows better than to talk to the unconscious patients. Doctors often encourage visitors to speak with the comatose because there’s just the slightest chance that auditory stimuli may have some effect on them, but recently there’s been a push for nurses to just do their business and move on to more vital patients. The debate itself puts a lot of unnecessary pressure on Soonyoung’s shoulders, but whenever he enters Wonwoo’s room, he knows what side he stands on. There are other patients who need Soonyoung desperately, but he’s not going to rank them. Inside of a hospital, there’s a hierarchy, one that Soonyoung respects usually, but with that hierarchy already in place, room is left for patients like Jeon Wonwoo, twenty-eight years old, strikingly handsome even with all the gauze and bruising on his face. He’s possibly a burn victim, but Soonyoung doesn’t know many details about the situation that lead him here. 

For roughly two weeks, he had been moved throughout the ER until his readings came back stable enough for him to be placed elsewhere. Throughout those two weeks, he had no family come in to inquire about him. Soonyoung always had to double check his log every couple of days to make sure that a nurse wasn’t skiving on their duties and forgetting to sign them in. _No_ , the front desk worker had said, nails clicking against the keys of her keyboard. _He’s never gotten a visitor. We tried his emergency contacts, but one of the lines was dead and the other never answered_.  And with that, Soonyoung, who shouldn’t get involved, got involved. With no one else to do it, he became Wonwoo’s visitor. Before clocking in for the day, he would come in and sit with Wonwoo, holding his hand. Most of the time, he’d read to him from poetry books that Soonyoung’s friend recommended for those who enjoyed reading. 

(And Wonwoo seemed bookish… didn’t he?)

Now, he visits him on his breaks. No one else comes in to talk to him since there are other patients who need more immediate attention, so Soonyoung uses his free time to check in on him and fix the flowers that he bought for him. “It’s sunny today. Do you like that type of weather? For some reason, whenever I see the sun, I think of you. Isn’t that funny?” He chuckles to himself, not turning away from the flowers until they are facing the window, drinking up the sunlight. “I think it has to do with how strong it is… because you are that strong too, aren’t you?” 

He turns to Wonwoo. Nothing about the room changes in the slightest. His chest is still rising and falling lackadaisically and his machine is still beeping serenely. A hospital room shouldn’t feel so calm and still have life inhabiting it. This type of calm is reserved for individuals who are about to pass. 

Suddenly, Soonyoung’s throat feels thick and it becomes hard to swallow. “I’m overthinking again…” He sighs shakily, running his fingers through his hair. “There’s no way anyone can predict when people are going to pass.” His own words should reassure him, but he feels so unsettled now. The sunlight is streaming in and illuminating the room until it looks too bright. “Wonwoo, you are the sun, aren’t you?” He whispers, trying to bite back the tears that are threatening at the edges of his vision. “If you are the sun, you are talking to me right now, right?” The sunshine caressing Soonyoung’s arm, reaching up until it is brushing against his cheek. “I’ll call the doctor then,” chokes Soonyoung as he throws himself towards the hallway. 

The hallway starts to spin as soon as he enters it. It is like he’s found the entrance to a trick house just outside of Wonwoo’s room, and now he’s in the middle of the illusions. “Help,” he croaks out. Pressure in his skull, sitting behind his eyes makes him feel startlingly nauseous. It feels like he’s been kicked right in the temple, but there’s no pain, just an immeasurable amount of pressure and an overwhelming seasickness that overtakes his whole body until he’s on his knees in the middle of the hallway. Without anything else to do, he starts to call for help with the last of his consciousness. Conscious wavering, he manages to hold on until a woman rushes up to him, but all he can do before he fades out is motion towards Wonwoo’s room.

Towards the avid beeping signaling the failure of a heartbeat.

(within the last minute) **star boy** said:  
since everything in life comes at a price  
please, tell me what yours is

☄

Junhui had ruled Soonyoung’s passing out spell as overexertion. At that time, he had been overworking himself by spending his breaks and morning with Wonwoo. It had caused him to cut back on both food and sleep, just so he could see a patient, among various other patients, who didn’t have any visitors. _It isn’t because I saw death?_ Soonyoung had asked foolishly. Junhui had to admit to the incredibility of the coincidence, but it, to him, and a majority of everyone else he worked with, was just that: a coincidence. He had been reprimanded for not taking care of himself, but also celebrated for paying such careful attention to a patient who would have certainly passed away if no one had been in the room with him. 

“Did he die?” Chan asks, watching with wide eyes as Soonyoung checks to make sure his IV is still firmly stuck in his arm. “You saved his life, didn’t you, Soonie?” By now, he knows better than to move around while Soonyoung checks up on his drip. He pinches the top of the bag to see how much is left. It almost appears to be full. “Tell me, tell me! Tell me, tell me, tell me!” He stutters out the lyrics to a song that Soonyoung feels like he hasn’t heard in years. For a child, Chan doesn’t have the worst singing voice, even when he’s attempting to annoy. It reminds Soonyoung that the boy has dreams of becoming a dancer once he is discharged from the hospital, if he is.

The right thing for Soonyoung to do is to chastise Chan for, most likely, pulling out his IV, again, but Soonyoung’s never been about doing the right thing where Chan is involved. He’s known the boy for almost two years now and if he could, then he’d invite him over for every holiday and spend his vacation time with him. Chan is the closest thing to family that Soonyoung has now, especially since he’s fallen out of contact with his own. That’s the life of a nurse though, busy hours that lead to a lacking social life, except for the friends that are made within the walls of the hospital. Honestly, it feels like a prison, but the only thing being imprisoned is free time that could be spent up elsewhere. Although, that could just be how Soonyoung sees it since he sacrifices the little free time he has to spend it with patients who need a little extra care. Like Channie. 

“I don’t know if I did, Channie. They haven’t let me know about his condition.” He traces the tube of the IV back to Chan’s arm where it is buried shallowly in his skin. “You can’t take this out when the doctors and nurses aren’t around,” he taps against the inside of Chan’s elbow. “It’s saving your life,” says Soonyoung, with a pleading look. 

The young boy looks away, embarrassed. “Can do, sir.” Within a matter of seconds, his cheeks are flushed. It makes guilt turn over in the pit of Soonyoung’s stomach. If he could avoid scolding Chan, then he would, but the child constantly makes decisions that are particularly risky. A fine example is the current matter. While pulling his IV out might not end his life, it certainly isn’t helping anything and Soonyoung can only hope that a doctor or nurse comes by to fix it rather than Chan trying to insert it himself. Over the past two years, he’s pulled a slew of risky moves on the staff so that he could possibly be let out earlier rather than later, but Soonyoung always saw through him. He’s probably the only reason why Chan is still here, although he doubts that the antics of a seven-year-old could trick the nation’s top doctors and physicians for long. 

With the mood ruined, Soonyoung continues his duties by checking the monitors that are almost constantly evaluating Chan. “I believe you saved his life, Soonie,” comes Chan’s quiet voice from his seated position atop of the bed. He isn’t looking at Soonyoung, but he knows that Chan’s not trying to win him over. Soonyoung’s already wrapped around Chan’s little fingers and Chan is most likely aware of that. Why else would Soonyoung spend his lunches sitting across from him on his uncomfortable bed? Why else would Soonyoung bring him gifts and treat him like he’s his own nephew? Love isn’t known to cure anything, but it can be healing, or at least, Soonyoung hopes it can be. Otherwise, he’s just been dumping a lot of love into Chan for an unknown future. If nothing else, then he wishes that it keeps Chan hoping and believing in himself. 

Embarrassedly, Soonyoung coughs into his elbow. It doesn’t diffuse any of the tension sitting on his shoulders. There is nothing about Soonyoung that is life-saving, but he’s always wanted to be the reason why someone is able to live their life to the fullest. It might not happen with Chan, but now there’s a chance that he alerted the doctors to Wonwoo just in the nick of time. A few seconds later and he might have been impossible to revive. Did he manage to save him?

How is he now? Soonyoung wants to ask, but childcare nurses are all that surround him. He’s in the cancer ward with specialists who know how to take care of children or individuals with cancer eating away at their bodies. These people are familiar with a trauma that he is not well-versed in. Soonyong speaks the language of the critically injured and ill: it’s a language of death, of the last possible minute wherein a person gets to live or die. Maybe that’s why there’s a type of solace accompanying Chan’s presence whereas his own parents are sometimes burdened by the heaviness of the air in the cancer ward. Maybe it has to do with the fact that there’s a bigger type of hope at work here, even if it still seems so dismal sometimes. 

“We’ll see, Channie.” He says, but he doesn’t know if he’ll ever see Jeon Wonwoo again.

☄

His skin isn’t as pallor as Soonyoung knew it to be. The bruises that had once decorated his skin as a badge from his accident have healed and faded, leaving behind the beautiful face that Soonyoung could see even with the bandages covering it. This time around his hair is a soft brown where it had been a deep black before, if he remembers correctly. In his hands is a bouquet of flowers: pink tulips with sprigs of baby’s breath, all wrapped in a pastel yellow tissue paper that crinkles with an anxiety similar to the one that Soonyoung feels in his hands. 

_Should I approach him? Would he even remember me?_ Most, if not all, of their interactions had been while Wonwoo was unconscious to the world around him. Soonyoung could remember him so vividly, even though he looks so different from how he knew him. Just two years ago, Wonwoo had been on the cusp of death. The beeping of the heart machine still echoes in Soonyoung’s ears from time to time. Not every patient is the same, but there are times when he is transported back into the tranquility of that sunlit room. He’s never experienced the same sort of dread since Wonwoo, but he has been making sure to take care of himself this time around. Ever since Wonwoo, his eyes had been opened to the dangers of overexertion. Plus, if he ever felt that way again, then he wouldn’t know how to cope. That trick house feeling that had tied all of his organs up terrified him. Sometimes he dreamt of feeling that way again and woke up drenched in sweat, on the verge of tears.

“Do you,” he takes a heaving breath, trying to catch it. It is a natural instinct for Soonyoung to reach out to a stumbling patient, but Wonwoo is clearly not a patient any longer. His wounds, as far as he could tell, have healed. It takes a great amount of self-control to stop himself before he gets any closer to him. Patiently, he lets Wonwoo finish his question, only inclining his head to show that he’s listening. “Do you know where the maternity ward is?” falls from his lips, but suddenly Soonyoung can’t remember the layout of the hospital. _Where are we now?_ He thinks dumbly, looking around for any indicator to inform him, but he finds the same white walls that are in every hallway. 

So, instead of giving him directions, he works up a bit of nerve. “Let me show you.”

“Are you sure?” Wonwoo seems surprised. Rightfully so, Soonyoung does have duties that he needs to be attending to as soon as possible, but he still have ten minutes of his break left. This is how he wants to use it. It will give him a chance to watch Wonwoo to make sure that he’s really better. From his experience, it is easier to tell if someone is still injured by how they interact with the world. Maybe some of the accident still sits on Wonwoo’s shoulders or in his legs. He could have a limp now or be missing a tooth or have nerve damage in his fingers. Soonyoung knows how to watch for those things, but he needs time to do that. Ten minutes isn’t a lot, but if it is all that he can get with Wonwoo, then he’ll take it. 

(within the last minute) **star boy** said:  
what if  
we  
never find eachother  
again?

☄

Scouring the registry to find Jeon Wonwoo is time-consuming, so Soonyoung only tries to find him when he has absolutely nothing else to do. It takes two days work of scanning through pages and pages of names before his eyes catch the familiar name. He’s hasn't even moved from where Soonyoung had taken care of him before. _Does that mean he’s okay... or not?_ There are procedures that Soonyoung knows by heart. If a person with heart disease passes through the hospital, then he could detail each step in their journey, but it is different with Wonwoo. Clearly, he had been in some type of accident, but other than that? Soonyoung knew nothing. The bandages on his face give him about as much information as his paperwork does: head trauma. No detailed explanation of how or to what extent accompanies it, leaving Soonyoung thoroughly in the dark when it comes to Wonwoo. 

A day after locating him once again, Soonyoung decides to pay him a visit. Awake or not, he has to see him to make sure that he’s actually living. For all Soonyoung knows, he’s in some type of intricate, never-ending dream where Wonwoo is actually dead, but he’s still on the registry, still without visitors. 

“Why do you care so much?” Junhui means no harm in the question. He stirs a spoonful of sugar into his coffee before reaching for the dairy-free creamer that is right next to the other sweeteners. Watching him quiets Soonyoung’s nerves, even though there’s no reason for them to be quite so loud. Once he is done stirring in his creamer, he turns to face Soonyoung fully. The mug in his hands was a gift from Jeonghan, another nurse who works primarily with children. Chan often chattered on and on about Jeonghan whenever Soonyoung couldn’t make time to visit him for a couple of days. He’s one of the other nurses taken by Chan’s various charms. Soonyoung envies that Jeonghan gets to spend so much more time with him than most other nurses, but he doesn’t blame him for that. Instead, he blames himself for picking such a complicated area of the hospital to dedicate his time to. There’s almost no payoff, especially when patients usually couldn’t hold conversations past telling the doctors and nurses and specialists surrounding them where it hurts and what happened. Even then, though, those who work on the ambulances get to hear that first, so the patient is just telling those within the hospital the abridged version. 

When Soonyoung makes no motion to respond, Junhui continues. “I just mean that you’ve had so many patients… Jeon Wonwoo isn’t much different than the rest. It is a little rare for us to get someone in crit condition who doesn’t have any family to come in and take care of things, but that’s not unheard of either. I know you were around when... Who was it…? He stayed around for quite a bit, then got discharged finally. I think his name was Minsoo… Minhyun? Maybe not... “ Struggling with his memory, Junhui looks up towards the ceiling. His whole body moves with the motion. It’s a habit that Soonyoung, and most others, notice in Junhui. His whole body reacts to words and thoughts and feelings. Soonyoung thinks it is amazing that he’s a surgeon when he moves like a dancer. 

Finally, he finds his words. “All I’m saying is this better not be some romantic endeavor. I don’t want you to have a crush on a patient. That’s just… It is a little strange, if I’m honest.” His gaze fixes upon Soonyoung again and his expression is all screwed up. He’s probably trying to imagine what it would be like for him to think of a patient in a way that isn’t necessarily just friendly and professional. It’s hard for him to do.

“Anyways, says the surgeon oogling the nurse.” Soonyoung rolls his eyes. “I thought you said, a couple years back, that romance couldn’t exist in hospitals unless it was in the maternity ward?” _Contradictory_ , he thinks, but doesn’t say because he’d rather not start a proper fight with Junhui. Junhui always ends up winning because he has a backhanded way about him that Soonyoung can’t describe. He’s too smart and talented for his own good. 

A laugh slips from Junhui. “I said that when Jeonghan was working in the maternity ward,” he smacks his hand against the table as more laughter escapes from him. It takes all the self-control Soonyoung can muster for him to not roll his eyes. “But romance inside of hospitals isn’t worth it. There’s a lot of heartbreak here. You are just opening yourself up to be hurt.” His gaze softens, but Soonyoung just purses his lips. There’s no real reason they are talking about romance because there’s no way that his feelings for Wonwoo are anything other than just friendly. He’s a complete stranger that Soonyoung just feels abnormally attached to. It’s all on Soonyoung for getting attached to patients who didn’t have a solid support system. There is absolutely nothing to do with romance here because Soonyoung knows that that is the very first rule of working in a hospital: _don’t fall in love with a patient_.

Soonyoung shrugs because he doesn’t really want to be having this conversation. He knows better than to find a patient interesting and want to get to know them better, especially when the patient in question is comatose and all he knows is that he doesn’t have anyone coming to visit him. All it boils down to is a fondness. With Wonwoo, there are no other emotions involved. “I know better,” answers Soonyoung, reaching across the table to wipe up a stray droplet of coffee lingering on the table. “Junhui, have a little more faith in me.” 

☄

The room is quiet when he enters. He doesn’t know what sort of expectations he had for this moment, and now that it is happening, he’s beginning to understand himself less. _Why do I feel so nervous?_ It’s ridiculous, obviously, but his body just feels so complicated when Wonwoo’s around. He’s not awake, or maybe he’s still not out of the comatose state he had been in the last time Soonyoung had seen him. “Hello,” chirps Soonyoung, because it doesn’t matter to him if he’s sleeping or not. This is his time to visit and he’s going to make the most of it. “I missed seeing you around, but I’m glad that they got you out of the trauma ward.” It’s not really happiness driving his words, but more of a sense of relief. He’s genuinely relieved that Wonwoo’s condition doesn’t seem to be worsening again.

“I thought I’d bring you this.” The pot in his hands is starting to feel heavy, so crosses the room to place it on the windowsill. “It’s a spider plant. I don’t know if you know plants very well…” Soonyoung laughs awkwardly. His hands are now free, but it just makes them feel useless. So he uses them to scratch the back of his head while standing in the middle of Wonwoo’s hospital room. There’s really nothing he has to say to him, but he feels compelled to talk. “They help facilitate oxygen or something? I figured it’d be better than flowers, especially since I don’t know how long you’ll be here. It is something you can take, if you want to…”

 _Boy, is this awkward or what…_ If this wasn’t his seventh year on the job, then he wouldn’t be spending anymore time in the eerily silent room, but he’s used to patients not answering him. The silence is more familiar to him than conversations are. The only troubling factor is is that Soonyoung himself wants to be talking with someone. Specifically, he wants to be talking with Jeon Wonwoo and discovering a whole bunch of useless things about him. In his mind, he even has a list of questions that he wants to ask him whenever he wakes up. Maybe they can play twenty questions while he’s healing and then all of Soonyoung’s questions could be deftly answered. If he had any memory problems, then it could assist him in working through the extent of it. Soonyoung isn’t very versed in treating memory problems, but he could help out with Wonwoo, at least. Who else would?

He shuffles around the room, cleaning up the already immaculate area. It is hard to find anything, but dust never lets him down so he sweeps it away with a wet tissue and then comes back to dry the surfaces that he’s wet. After he’s done, he finally gains the courage to face Wonwoo again. “I left a note in there,” he admits, throwing a look over to the houseplant that he’s left for him. “It doesn’t say much… I didn’t have much to say. We are strangers, but I… I wouldn’t mind being close to you, Jeon Wonwoo…”

“...It’s absolutely ridiculous for me to think this way, but I called you the sun and then the sun reacted. It’s the only reason I called out to anyone. I had no idea that you could die… your scans always come back so normal and you get better… You were getting so much better before that happened, so I never expected…” He pauses to sniff and feels a warm wetness glide down the side of his face. Rule two: _don’t get so invested you cry over them_.

It’s so foolish. _Jeon Wonwoo, look at what you do to me without even saying words._ “You were dying right in front of me,” he hiccups, shaking his head in a desperate attempt to hold himself together for a moment longer. “It was so surreal. I’ve had so many people die in front of me, but I had just been talking to you… and then… that happened. Whatever _that_ was. It was like you were telling me in the only way that you could…. Is that totally stupid?” His tears are hot and thick as they leak from a broken place deep within himself. Difficult feelings threaten to swallow him whole and maybe this is so much bigger than just Jeon Wonwoo, but Soonyoung doesn't know why. Wonwoo calls upon feelings that Soonyoung doesn’t allow himself to linger on yet here he is, soaking in them.

“It probably is…” Again, he’s shaking his head, trying to dispel his own feelings. As they are now, they are a plague. It doesn’t help Wonwoo if he cries for him. Actually, it doesn’t even help himself. There’s no flood of relief that will give him time to relax after he’s just spent his energy pouring salty tears out for a person who hasn’t even said words to him. It really is ridiculous.

 _I have to get out of here…_ He wipes at his eyes furiously, but more tears replace the ones he tries to rid himself of. Never has he broken down in the middle of a hospital room, occupied or not. It feels like seven years have accumulated into one moment and all the stress is too much for Soonyoung. _This can’t just be about Wonwoo_. Soonyoung would like to say that he’s familiar with himself, that he doesn’t often feed himself lies just to get through each day, but this is too much emotion for a person he doesn’t know. So much death has happened in front of him, but Wonwoo’s near-death experience had frayed all his nerves until he felt like a useless, tangled ball of yarn.

As soon as he reins himself in, wiping away the stray tears still escaping from his eyes, he moves towards Wonwoo’s bed. All the time he’s spent with Wonwoo is usually spent across the room from him. With his bandages, there isn’t much to look at, but Soonyoung knows better than to dismiss a patient due to their injuries. For some reason, there’s a feeling that has been haunting him ever since he’s first seen Wonwoo and he doesn’t know how to dispel it. It doesn’t matter how many times he visits him, what words he says to him, even if he saves his life, because Jeon Wonwoo occupies all his thoughts, all the time. It’s like since meeting him, Soonyoung’s tainted. His mere presence has stained him with the color of Wonwoo’s pain, and somehow, of his hope.

Soonyoung lays a hand down against Wonwoo’s leg. Underneath the thin hospital blanket, he can feel the warmth of Wonwoo’s skin. “You are going to get better, right, Wonwoo?” The words are controlling him now because there’s a desperation that attaches itself to them. “If you want to wake up, then you are going to have to fight this. I don’t know what happened to you, but we can’t take it back. All we can do is stand behind you…” A sigh slips from his mouth, it feels so useless to talk to someone who is most likely unhearing. If only Wonwoo would wake up, then maybe he’d stop haunting Soonyoung. Would that make it better?

“Anyways,” A slow smile overtakes Soonyoung’s features unconsciously, “The sun can’t just go out, can it?”

☄

At first, Wonwoo is unnaturally quiet. All he does is trail slightly behind Soonyoung as they walk towards the maternity ward. _He goes from having no friends or  family to being in the maternity ward in two years?_ Soonyoung tries to tell himself that he’s not judging Wonwoo for being able to make a life so quickly after being discharged from the hospital, but Soonyoung has hardly made a life for himself and he’s only working here. Two years ago, Wonwoo had been wavering so close to death, but now he seems to be flourishing, if the slight smile worrying on his face is anything to go by. It is hard for Soonyoung to watch him when he’s walking behind him, but he still hasn’t been able to find anything that could still be wrong with him. A head injury could have caused memory problems, but did it this time? How could Soonyoung tell? What could he even ask?

“Are you sure you have the time for this?” asks Wonwoo, causing Soonyoung to jump in surprise.

Slightly turning towards him, Soonyoung gives him a gentle smile. It’s the type he gives the more fragile patients when they ask him questions that make them sound like they feel burdening. “It’s fine!” He chirps. “I’m on the last few minutes of my break, actually. If I finish eating quickly, then I make extra rounds just to see if anyone needs me to get them anything. Technically, this is exactly the type of thing I would be doing with my break… It’s just been quiet today.” He hopes that he sounds reassuring, but usually people have expectations for him to fulfill the duties of his job. Even though it doesn’t necessarily include showing people around, he still thinks of it as something he should do if asked. So, it hardly matters that _he’s_ the one who suggested it because he would still consider it a job.

Before he can see how, or if, Wonwoo’s expression changes from slight concern, he turns back to make sure that he’s still going the right way. “If you say so…” Soonyoung can hear him trail off, almost like he doubts him. _How dare he…_ The thought of Wonwoo doubting him is laughable, but Wonwoo had no way of understanding that. When Wonwoo had left, he hadn’t been told, so he never even got to meet the real, conscious Wonwoo.

(4 minutes ago) **star boy** said:   
this world deprived me of light so i fell in love with the darkness

☄

There’s a lot of structure involved with hospital management, but Soonyoung has never come to understand any of it. Rumors circulate about transfers and shift changes, but he’s never given information directly. Instead, Junhui is usually the one breaking the news, good or bad, to him. That’s why when Junhui calls him into the break room, he senses that he’s about to be on the receiving end of news that he’s not going to particularly enjoy.

Through the years, he’s learned how to read Junhui like a book in these situations. If he has good news, then his hands will shake with excitement and he won’t be able to keep the smile off his face. Soonyoung remembers when he told him about talking to Jeonghan for the first time. They hadn’t even talked about anything other than the cake that Seungkwan had baked for a patient’s birthday, but Junhui had been so happy that his whole face lit up. And his hands… Soonyoung never could forget the way that he couldn’t even hold onto his papers because he was so excited. His happiness had been infectious and Soonyoung had listened to him dissect the whole conversation because he found himself being pulled in by Junhui’s interest. But, at the same time, Soonyoung remembers when Junhui had lead him into the room to tell him that Chan had taken a turn for the worse. For that conversation, his hands were incredibly steady, but his voice shook and he couldn’t look him in the eyes.

Now, he’s opening the door to their break room and his gaze is only interested in the floor. “What is it?” Soonyoung finds himself asking before they are even in the makeshift privacy that the break room offers until someone walks in on them. “Junhui, you don’t have to keep dragging me in here to break news to me. That's not what 'break room' means. I can handle it wherever you tell me.” That’s what he says, but there are sentences that could destroy him in an instance. Wonwoo sits at the front of his mind, attentive to the information. _Is it him? Could he not…_

His thoughts are interrupted by the shattering of glass. “ _I_ _t’s Chan_ ,” Jeonghan’s voice cries out, floating on water. He stumbles forward until suddenly, he’s gripping onto Soonyoung so tight that one of them might just begin fracturing from the inside out.

Where Jeonghan is raw and smoldering underneath the pressure of all his emotions, Soonyoung feels numb and confused. It almost feels like he’s walking in a dream. “What’s happened to Chan?” He asks, looking over towards Junhui who is still avoiding his gaze. “What’s wrong with him?” When he looks back towards Jeonghan, his head is still buried in Soonyoung’s shoulder. No one is giving him any answers, so he fears the absolute worst. It makes his whole body start to shake.

Suddenly, he’s absolutely alone. The universe has pulled apart until it is just mere framework and Soonyoung can make no sense of any of it. Jeonghan and Junhui now are across oceans instead of in the same room as him. He feels the completeness of loneliness with the dread that this moment gives him. There are too many unspoken possibilities and Soonyoung has to wonder if time has frozen or his voice has escaped him because no one will explain what is happening. Everyone exists on their own planes of existence and Soonyoung is trying to close the gap at the same time it is widening.

“Say something!” He’s so frustrated that he ends up screaming.

The moment tumbles down around him and he’s back in the break room with Junhui and Jeonghan. All the layers of the world come back together to form a tragedy. “They are taking him to another city, Soonyoung. He didn’t wake up this morning and he was barely alive. We can’t just keep him stable anymore. If he doesn’t get better, then we are going to lose him.” Junhui’s voice is level. It has to be a curse given to doctors: the ability to give information as though it is just words, no emotions involved. “They said his outlook isn’t good. Jeonghan is going to take the next flight out to be with him and his family. We tried to get him clearance for a transfer, but they won’t…” He shakes his head and Soonyoung feels like clawing at his aching eyes.

“I think you should go home,” Junhui’s hand is against his shoulder one moment, then the ground slides out from underneath him in the next.

☄

The first week without Chan, Soonyoung tries to go about his job normally, but he finds himself taking his lunch, with a banana milk in hand, towards the children’s ward on more than one occasion. Not only that, but his feet keep dragging and he finds himself forgetting what he’s doing in the middle of a task. A patient will ask him one thing and his body will tell him _It’s alright to cry… You need to rest… Work can wait… Your body is tired…_ And Soonyoung’s mind only retains this information. It only can recall how tired he is, how his eyes ache, how his bones feel like they might start creaking at any moment. Chan leaving has aged him by seventy years.

He manages to finish a full week before someone is telling him to take some time off. “You have some vacation days built up,” says the voice. He nods, but doesn’t comprehend a word. Junhui ends up driving him home on one of his breaks, but neither say much to one another. There’s not much to say.  

☄

Three weeks later, he comes back to work and is greeted in the entrance by Chan’s beaming face. “Soonie!” He yells, little legs carrying him across the parking lot. Soonyoung kneels down so when he reaches him, he can scoop Chan into his arms. “I missed you!” He presses his palms against Soonyoung’s cheeks, squishing them. Beside the sliding glass doors, Jeonghan waits for the reunion to end so that he can take Chan back to his room. _He’s better,_ Jeonghan had told him over the phone, _but they want him to keep coming regularly for tests and any necessary procedures. He’s amazing, Soonyoung. He’s a miracle. You are surrounded by miracles._

“I missed you!” Soonyoung’s voice is loud, laced with happiness. “I wanted to visit you, but I wasn’t feeling well either.” He noses Chan’s face, resisting the urge to pepper kisses against his skin. Chan would probably squeal and love to be surrounded by love, but Soonyoung knows better than to fall in love with patients, even if the love isn’t romantic. He knows better than to let himself treat Chan as though he’s his family, especially since this incident.

“It’s okay!” chirps Chan, looking back towards Jeonghan. “I had Jeonghannie with me…! He’s not as fun as you, but he plays lots of games too!” While he’s chattering, Soonyoung holds him just a bit closer, relishing in the fact that he’s _alright_ and _safe_. Actually, he’s better than ever. Now, he’ll be making trips to the hospital instead of occupying the same room. Soonyoung would miss him, but he’d rather have him at his house with his parents. Chan deserved to be able to have a life, not live within a hospital forever. “But you didn’t tell me…!” Chan steals him away from his thoughts as he knocks his forehead against his gently.

Soonyoung makes a funny face, tilting his head curiously, “Tell you what?”

“You saved his life!” He exclaims, looking abruptly serious. “Junnie told me that Nonu left! All better!”

It’s news to him, but he doesn’t let it ruin the time he’s having with Chan. Jeonghan recognizes the glazed over look in his eyes, but he doesn’t pry as they make their way to Chan’s room to get his things. It isn’t Jeonghan’s fault, so Soonyoung doesn’t take it out on him, but he knows that he knows about Wonwoo being discharged. If Junhui knows, then Jeonghan knows by extension. That’s how it always has been, even before they knew each other’s names, so Jeonghan isn’t to blame. But Junhui… The least he could have done was tell him.

Before he goes to try to corner Junhui, he lets Chan give him a big, wet kiss against his cheek. “I love you, Soonie!” He cuts through the anger easily. It’s amazing how this child can make Soonyoung feel like he’s the luckiest parent in the world. “I’ll be back soon to see you! Don’t forget to call!” He says, then kisses him again.

Jeonghan shows him out, holding some of his things in a plastic bag. _Don’t,_ warns his gaze, but Soonyoung’s never been one to listen to others. His feet are carrying him towards Junhui before he can even entertain the thought of this being a bad idea. _Why do you care so much?_ Junhui’s expression will taunt him. There’s no answer to why he cares so much about Jeon Wonwoo, but he does, and it was wrong of them to not tell him. At the very least, he deserved a text message that updated them on his condition. He wasn’t even made aware that he had awoken, let alone that he had been discharged. _What about his bandages?_ Soonyoung won’t know what lays under them now. He won’t know if he has scars or if he’s healed completely. All he gets from this is disappointment and loss.

He knows he should be happy, but he feels frustrated.

“How _dare_ you.” He finds Junhui in his office with his laptop in his lap. His gaze is only momentarily bewildered as he glances up from his work. “You didn’t think it was important to tell me?” There’s a tremor in his voice and he curses himself for being so ultimately weak. How would anyone take him seriously if his voice wavered when he needed to find strength? It just proves that this had been none of his business.

His gaze is colder than Soonyoung’s ever seen it before. “What right did you have?” He asks. It feels like a taunt.

☄

The maternity ward is the least likely place for Soonyoung to find himself in, so maybe that’s why he gets lost. “I’m so sorry,” Soonyoung says, tempted to stop to look at a map. It’s a slap to his pride, but he admittedly has no idea how to get from the general waiting room to the maternity ward. It should probably be more straightforward than this, to be honest, but the layouts of hospitals are never uncomplicated and simple. “I will get you there, I just think we might have to keep our eyes out for signs.” He informs Wonwoo, who just hums in response.

“It’s alright. I think I was already the last to know,” he laughs lightly. It is such a jarring sound that Soonyoung jumps. The Wonwoo that he had known wouldn’t have laughed like this, but the Wonwoo he had known was lifeless. This is a Wonwoo who has someone in the maternity ward waiting on him, who laughs and worries and looks at Soonyoung like he’s a total stranger. _To be fair…_ They’ve always been strangers, but Soonyoung wants to reach out to Wonwoo and tell him _I’ve missed you so much. You look so good. That scar on your cheek is hardly noticeable: Do you wear it pridefully or ashamedly? I think our souls touched in that hospital room and now we are inseparably linked, but you have no idea. Do you remember what happened to you? You never heard anything I said to you right? I wanted to kiss you when I saw you in the hallway a couple minutes ago, but you are a stranger. I knew you when you weren’t anyone other than a body, yet felt like the sun. Why do you still feel like the sun?_ Plus more. There’s an endless array of words lined up to be the audience to Wonwoo’s attention.

Instead of saying anything he’s been thinking about for two years, he goes with being casual. “Being the last to know is never fun. Hopefully you knew about the pregnancy,” he wants to laugh, but his mouth feels dry. _Why do you care so much?_ This time, it is himself asking, not Junhui. If Wonwoo has moved on from his accident, then he should be happy for him. He’d be happier for any other patient. Getting close to Wonwoo had been a sham anyways. He had never been conscious for any of their conversations; therefore, their relationship had always been one-sided. Soonyoung couldn’t have feelings for someone he didn’t know. They weren’t even friends. Whatever Soonyoung thought that he shared with Wonwoo was only idealized. His imagination ran their relationship.

(Even if he wants to admit to fate taking partial control.)

Wonwoo does give out a laugh though. It is a pleasing sound, Soonyoung realizes. If he could make Wonwoo laugh more, then it’d feel like a success. His laugh rumbles warmly in his chest and reverberates out to those nearby, like the gentlest earthquake, or a solar flare. “My sister is _terrible_ at communication sometimes. She’s gone years without contacting me because she’s in another country or busy with work. I’ve gotten used to her antics by now.” He shakes his head and Soonyoung hopes that he’s supposed to turn right at this intersection. “I knew she was pregnant, but I never knew she was _this_ pregnant. I was very surprised to be called by her husband.”

Politely, Soonyoung laughs. A sort of relief washes over him because he’s discovered that it is his sister in the maternity ward and that  she might not have been able to be contacted two years ago because she had been out of the country at the time. Honestly, finding information out about Wonwoo is endlessly interesting. It is a shame that they’ll only have so much time together because Soonyoung could probably listen to him talk forever about his life. There’s a stark difference between talking to the Wonwoo of the past and the Wonwoo of the present, and Soonyoung wishes that he could have already learned things about him when he had first talked to him. He wishes that Wonwoo could remember him somehow.

“Well, that’s good.” The conversation is burning out. There’s not much more that either can say, but Soonyoung wishes he could think of something. They have to be approaching the maternity ward by now. There’s only so many hallways in a hospital and Soonyoung’s familiar with most of them. Actually, there’s something strikingly familiar about the one they are walking in now. If he opens any of these doors, he won’t be finding Wonwoo’s sister. No, this is where comatose patients usually end up. His steps begin to slow and he watches in horror as realization starts to dawn across Wonwoo’s face. _It’s only been two years…_ Wonwoo couldn’t forget something like this in just two years unless he had stored it deep inside himself so he couldn’t remember it if he tried. This hallway still shows up in Soonyoung’s nightmares sometimes.

When he looks to his left, he sees a door that doesn’t look any different from the other doors in the hallway. “This is…” Wonwoo starts to say, but the words escape him. Further down the hall, Junhui is speaking with another doctor. She’s one of the newer ones, so Soonyoung doesn’t know her well, but she’s got sweeping brown hair and a stoney, serious face. It is only a matter of seconds before Junhui catches sight of them. “This is _my_ room,” Wonwoo croaks.

(9 minutes ago) **star boy** said:   
dont ask me if im ok because i’ll start crying

☄

Subconsciously, Soonyoung’s mind had lead him around the hospital until he stood face-to-face with Wonwoo’s old room. Two years ago, Wonwoo had suffered greatly in this room, and unless they had moved him after he woke up, Soonyoung would guess this is the room that Wonwoo had been discharged from. “It is,” A laugh escapes past Soonyoung’s lips and it sounds wild. The look that he receives from Wonwoo is fearful and suspicious. He can’t blame him, but he also can’t blame himself. There’s no reason why he would have chosen to take Wonwoo here.

“How…?” Wonwoo starts to ask, but Soonyoung turns around to face him. That’s enough to cut him off.

“I didn’t mean to take you here. I would have never…” His voice threatens to get choked up on all the vowels and consonants, but his mind knows that this might be the only chance he’ll ever have to talk to Wonwoo, to explain himself. “I have no idea _why_ … but as for how,” His gaze wanders back down the hallway. Junhui is looking at them curiously, but the other doctor is still talking to him so he can’t rush over to intervene. Admittedly, Soonyoung doesn’t know how much he’d like that anyway though. “I gave you the plant.”

That’s all it takes. No further explanation is needed because Wonwoo’s face is screwing up in a way that makes Soonyoung fear that he’s broken him. That plant had been a gift: one that was supposed to last for years. But it hadn’t been only a plant. Soonyoung had written a letter to Wonwoo, then, he started leaving him letters for everyday he visited. Each letter detailed the day that Soonyoung had, the weather, the world news, any updates on Wonwoo’s health. He had stopped the letters when Chan had been airlifted to another hospital, but he had every intention of continuing them if Wonwoo had been there when he got back. _Does he wonder why I stopped writing? Did he read them all? Did he keep them?_

“You…” whispers Wonwoo, now looking shy.

Another laugh finds its way out of Soonyoung. It sounds as erratic as the first had. “Me,” he starts to chew on the inside of his cheek, anxiously. “It was all me.” There’s something precious in the air that he wants to hold onto for as long as he can, but he fears that one wrong breath could corrupt it.

The flowers once held by Wonwoo’s hands end up scattered across the floor.

“Thank you?” He chokes out before tears are welling in his eyes. All Soonyoung can do is watch as Wonwoo silently breaks down before him. The gratitude is felt, but Soonyoung’s never done anything for Wonwoo. All he could do is be with him, beside him. “Thank you,” he says it again, falling to the floor. His gratitude just keeps falling from his mouth, and Soonyoung feels slightly embarrassed to be on the receiving end of it.

 _Now, we’ve both cried in this hallway_. Soonyoung kneels down to try to calm Wonwoo down. It isn’t until he’s able to get Wonwoo’s arms away from his tear-stained face that Soonyoung finds his voice.”I don’t deserve that,” his voice dips into a whisper. Junhui and the other doctor are no longer in the hallway, but Soonyoung doesn’t dare to raise his voice. He doesn’t want to call attention to them. It feels important that they share this moment and keep it to themselves. That could just be Soonyoung wanting to feel close to Wonwoo again though. He’s always been desperate, so when his hands start to tremble after he’s touched Wonwoo, it just makes sense to him.

When Wonwoo looks up at him, he doesn’t look broken. That ties Soonyoung’s insides up so that he feels even more complicated. _Why does he have this control over me?_ No one has ever been able to reach within him and make him feel more than what he’s wanted to feel, but Wonwoo makes his emotions hectic. He’s a stranger, but ever since that day, he’s felt like no one has known him better. It’s like some part of Wonwoo is stuck deep within Soonyoung and he can’t get rid of him. He doesn’t even think he wants to. “You saved my life?” His voice cracks like glass underneath his feet. “You saved my life.” He repeats breathlessly. This is something Soonyoung can’t even begin to understand because he didn’t do anything. All he ever did for Wonwoo was simple, so simple.

“You saved your own life,” Soonyoung’s mouth feels dry, but his words come out clear. They aren’t covered in tears like Wonwoo’s are, but he feels the pinpricks at the corner of his eyes. It is a warning to him of what is to come from this conversation: tears… But what else? “I was just the delivery boy.”

His face is screwing up again. “Just?” He scrunches his nose up, trying to combat the tears that are still freely falling down his face. A hiccup gets caught in his chest and he tries desperately to even out his breathing to calm himself down. Soonyoung wishes that his hands could be calming, or his words. Seeing Wonwoo like this is like being struck by lightning, but there’s no pain. His fingers tingle uncomfortably and he’s genuinely shocked, but it is painless and it doesn’t scar. And out of nowhere, Wonwoo starts to laugh. “Everyone told me about it.”

It is Soonyoung turn to be confused, screwing his features up. “Everyone? Told you what?” His mind flits to Chan, how he knew about Wonwoo before Soonyoung did. _Did that mean…?_ It would be just like Chan to demand to see Wonwoo and to blabber on and on about everything they had talked about. Chan had been the only one to believe that Soonyoung actually saved his life, but Junhui and the other doctors had thought it of an amazing coincidence. It wouldn’t be surprising if they had mentioned him to Wonwoo, but they had never said anything.

“Chan,” Wonwoo confirms his thoughts. “Chan told me that you saved my life because you are a superhero.”

A strangled laugh makes its way from somewhere within Soonyoung’s chest. “That’s just what I am.”

It’s a joke, but Wonwoo is looking at him as though he believes it. “Just?” He is still whispering, seemingly in awe. This type of attention is new to Soonyoung. He doesn’t know how to react to it, but he feels so close to Wonwoo now, like this. It’s so intimate, but he doesn’t know if it is supposed to be. Once again, it feels like their souls are touching, blurring together until they are the same soul, unlike their own.

“I could believe it,” Wonwoo surprises him by reaching up to place his fingertips against Soonyoung’s cheek. Both soften immensely at the contact, but there’s still a tension there too. _Strangers_ , their thoughts remind them, or well, Soonyoung is reminded, but it doesn’t feel that way. He’s always felt like he’s known Wonwoo for eternities. Meeting him hasn’t changed that, if anything, he’s more taken by him. Wonwoo feels strangely like _home_ and after so long, Soonyoung’s finally made the journey back to him. _How_? Soonyoung doesn’t ask, but he needs to have answers to why Wonwoo is able to make him feel so conflicted and different. Somehow, Wonwoo’s changed him.

A smile steals over Wonwoo’s features when Soonyoung starts laughing again, quietly; breathlessly. “You _could_?”

“Can’t a respectable man of this day and age believe in superheroes?” His question is accompanied by a raised eyebrow and if he didn’t look totally wrecked, then Soonyoung would definitely be falling in love with him: stranger or not. The humor in his voice has Soonyoung falling back into his quiet laughter, but this time, he topples over from his kneeling position and onto his behind. In the last second where he is still maintaining his balance, he reaches out to take Wonwoo down with him. It draws laughter from Wonwoo too, oddly enough.

And now, they’ve both fallen.

☄

**Author's Note:**

> tysm!!!!


End file.
